| (no subject) |
[Nov. 13th, 2006|06:16 pm] |
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I guess this is some sort of weird thing but over the past week and a half I've had a plethora of dreams. The funny thing is, I think I've had at least one dream for every ex boyfriend I've had. I have no idea what that is suppose to mean. All of the dreams were as if I was back with them. Any suggestions? |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 17th, 2006|01:03 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  melancholy | ] |
LishesPieces: I'm going to bed
LishesPieces: goodnight
Rickets127: goodnight and know im not mad at you
Rickets127: im glad your happy i came to that conclusion while walking around
Rickets127: good night
LishesPieces: peace
Peace, be at peace, emotionally. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 11th, 2006|11:55 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  scared | ] |
I'm not enjoying the direction of this school year. I'm finding myself, but losing all those who are very close to me. Why does everything have to go wrong when your far from home?
Seems like it was yesterday
When I saw your face
You told me how proud you were,
But I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ooh, ooh
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there
Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside
But I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide
'Cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this, ooh
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back
Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, oh
If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time
I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself..
By hurting you
The good news is, I found someone who knows all the right things to say in times of loss. |
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| What is the definition of the word forlorn? |
[Oct. 2nd, 2006|02:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
Well dictionary.com says desolate or dreary; unhappy or miserable, as in feeling, condition, or appearance.
I'd agree. Oh dear, I've never felt such a loss of direction in my life as of right now. I feel the pain of breakup, (I've felt that before), the pain of loss and grieving, and the feeling that all my aspirations are hopeless.
I can't seem to help anyone else because I feel so miserable myself. I'm denying myself to get through tough situations, and in the meantime I'm losing myself. My ex, Cory is going through a really rough time, but I can't be there to comfort him because I have to let both him and I have time to heal. I know deep in my heart that we would make each other as miserable as we did just a few months ago but I can't help but miss the amazing companionship he provided.
~There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it,
Maybe it's all you're running from,
Perfection will not come
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come
Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you had her maybe you lost her to another
To another~
I think it was a mistake to get involved with someone else again so quickly.
I did it for initially healthy reasons, I admired them, I knew that if I was single I would fall back into the trap of going back to my ex, but I still miss him. There's nothing harder than looking in their eyes, knowing how much they hurt. And to see the anger they hold against you for letting them go. My conscience is murdering me right now, I wake up in the middle of the night feeling his pain, not even beginning to consider my own. Why do I let others feelings affect me so much?! It's like I enter a relationship, not as a person, but as a mother. And I tend to they're every worry and ailment. To see one of my children in pain, it's like a stab through the heart. I decided a week ago, to cease all contact with him to try to stop this constant pain I feel for causing them sadness, but it's seeming to make it worse. I only want to see him smile again.
I know I should be worrying about my own pain, my own battered soul, but I don't even care, it's not my priority. And I don't want it to be. I've recently realized I hate school. Why? Because it's where I see the constant use of selfishness everyday. Students use it to get ahead in school work, to advance in career paths, and other paths. I just can't stand it. Selfishness makes me miserable. I would gladly live for someone else, to dedicate my life to another, because I find the concept of selfishness so sacrilegious.
After that, what the Hell am I suppose to do with my life! Help other people, I plan to, but the path to get there would require me to break all my previous stated morals. |
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| Who do I want to be |
[Aug. 4th, 2006|05:49 pm] |
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So, I guess it's really important to learn who I want to be without outside influences, say boyfriends or people in my life who have the opportunity to be oppressive; but how to you learn to live with them and learn to strengthen your heart against their sweet tactics? Say I decide to do something because I believe it could really great to help me grow, but they get really sad and believe I am doing it to abandon them. It's not being selfish when I know I think it would be good for my future. I don't sit there and think, "Oh this would hurt them" but instead I think "This would a really great and growing experience for me". Am I too young to be too close to someone who believes they should have that sway over me? Is it even right to ever let anyone have that sway over me? I believe so. I'm not consciously thinking of being selfish when I think some experience is good for me. I just don't want anyone to ever have the power, either by telling me, or just by pressuring me, that I can't do something. Grr |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 1st, 2006|10:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
Hmm...this school year has been one hell of a ride. Certainly a very big growing period. For the first time in my life I seem to be piling up regrets. Yes this year has taught me how to conquer certain aspects of my large procrastination habits but they only cover work. I seem to have seen so many amazing opportunities pass me by and I was either too busy to have a chance with them or too stressed to consider them. But it's like, now that we've seen how fast things are going by, we start to move quicker too. But what if we already missed something really important? Grr, I suppose I'm just a big believer in the idea that things happen for a reason and lately I've felt out of place, almost as if they was something I was suppose to do and I didn't do it. Maybe I'm just plain homesick. 9 days man! Good luck to all with anymore finals! |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 27th, 2006|11:58 am] |
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I have an intense craving for salsa. |
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| Mehness |
[Mar. 23rd, 2006|12:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Fix You-Coldplay | ] |
You ever feel like a tortured soul? But at the same time feel like an idiot because the torture is being imposed by yourself? You're too critical, you're too negative, and you just can't snap out of that mood.
What causes those moods in the first place? A build up of stress? A feeling like your alone? I feel like one of those people they mention in the puberty speeches in the fifth grade. "During the next few years you will all be searching for a sense of self. You will all feel alone."
But then besides the fact you may be able to find immediate remedies to those feelings, you still have an overhanging sense of guilt. Where in the world does that stem from? It's like one of those million dollar questions or something |
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| Blah |
[Feb. 10th, 2006|01:44 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | distressed | ] |
Grrr.
I must agree with someone that when you find someone you really click with, it feels like they should be in you life forever. I mean so the kid who I was sorta dating, he was the type I could talk to about anything. It wasn't even that we just clicked, but we were on the same wavelength. It scares me because, how many times during your lifetime do u actually meet someone that seems to know exactly where your coming from. I feel like now he's gonna move on and I missed out on a chance with a great guy all because I can't handle my relationship issues and I need to be single for a while. Grrr again. I feel that as I allow myself to slip into accepting that I am single that I'll just start looking for a different guy to be interested in and start the whole vicious cycle again without even giving the decently good guy a chance. Grr once more |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 7th, 2006|02:26 am] |
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A long time ago a wise person said to me, if its such a good opportunity you won't to pass it up. The thing is, I am willing to pass up an opportunity with the ex. But I am not with the crush. Does that say something in itself? Maybe the crush has a quality that is important that the ex lacks? And then if so, why do I still like the ex? Its a little late since the breakup to be in withdrawal. I do feel like I gave up an opportunity by breaking things off with the crush. Like I didn't give him a chance. I think I don't support this single thing well enough to keep it going, at least in my mind... |
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